Choosing the "Or" — QUALITY FLOAT

The chance meeting took place nearly 20 years ago at a work-related holiday luncheon. For some reason, we had been seated next to each other. Maybe it was because we shared the same first name of “Karen” – not the meme! – or maybe it was because our last names fell in order alphabetically. Or perhaps it was because we were both pregnant at the same time. Who knows? But there we sat in 2003 awaiting lunch at a fairly large U-shaped table at a local restaurant in Springfield, Ohio.

Karen, sporting blue eyewear and what appeared to be a matching handmade denim jumper, was getting ready to go on early maternity leave. Already the mom of two, she was now expecting child number 3 and 4. I was expecting our first child in mid-January, so in a ridiculous comment, which I’m sure she loved, and in an attempt to “get to know your neighbor” as assigned, I stupidly said: “Whoa, twins. I don’t think I could ever manage twins.”

She gave me that “you’re an idiot” glance, and I smiled as she explained she didn’t think so either, and yet, “here we are.” That one little sarcastic comment sparked what would become an amazing friendship.

Fast forward nearly three years later, and there I was, sitting in a car following an ultrasound at my OB-GYN’s office, where the doctor proudly announced that “you’re having twins!” I called Karen to share the news, barely able to get the words out, but she could. To this day, I can still hear the high-pitched laughter emanating through the phone. We have been laughing and sharing our respective lives with each other ever since that luncheon and through all the aches, pains, questionable hairstyles, joys, smile lines, tough decisions, health scares, fears, diet trends, and craziness that define life.

Throughout our friendship, I’ve also learned that Karen has a unique habit of emphasizing the word “or” in conversations. I’ve picked up on that in recent years, and I think I may have figured out why. It’s in the or that life really happens. We either make this decision or that one; we go this way or that way. Whichever path we choose, it’s up to us to make it work, to live that moment out, and to know that there is always another or just waiting to be found.

In addition, I’ve discovered that Karen’s or means that she never takes the straight route anywhere, preferring instead to drive down random back roads to get to her intended destination. In the process of taking the road “less traveled,” as Robert Frost once penned, Karen has witnessed a baby goat being born behind an Amish cheese shop, sipped coffee at a combination preschool/ bookstore/café in rural Pennsylvania, discovered diners with the best coconut cream pie, and stumbled upon a mom-and-pop shop featuring the “world’s best” fried baloney sandwiches.

I, on the other hand, used to embrace the whole reason for freeways in getting from point A to point B on time. And yet, through our friendship, I have come to appreciate the value of living in the or and its accompanying detours that often reveal life’s little gems. The interstate of existence, where one often moves at rapid speed to keep pace with those ahead, leaves little time for creativity, thoughtful reflection, and inner peace.

Whether she knows it or not, Karen actually developed her or perspective long ago, which is why she will take her SUV across a floating bridge in the middle of a windstorm just to experience the retreat-like escape that awaits her on the other side. It’s why she views the hedge of protection that large, windswept trees along a coastal shoreline provide for the smaller trees nestled below them as both a reminder of our powerful roles as moms and the fact that it is OK to take a step back once in a while. It’s also why frozen mini-waterfalls against a cliff during winters in a Midwestern cemetery seem to make the best spots for a quick lunch break, and why pictures of deer grazing at dusk tend to fill her iPhone. (I’ve found that the word or also comes in handy when I want to try to prevent more deer photos from popping up on my mobile phone – “Or you can just keep those to share with family during Thanksgiving, Karen.”)

Sarcasm aside and with the sense of a fresh start that annually accompanies an approaching new year, I’ve decided that it’s time to stop putting pressure on myself do something so vastly different on a perfection-driven quest to embrace something brand new. Instead, I want to choose the or and simply see what happens. I also want to spend more time reflecting on the memories shared with wonderful friends like Karen and so many others who open their hearts each day, who accept all the quirks each personality brings, who praise one another’s gifts, who laugh until they cry, and for whom distance and time never separate. Together, they live in the or and look at all sides of life, and through them, I get to see what matters most. Happy New Year!

- Karen Gerboth